Secret Blows of Reigning, part one
Many years ago, before he was lured away from the SCA by the heady combination of contracts law and hot young men, there was a sage old (not really old, but bearded and avuncular, so long as you weren't a hot young man) fighter named Mador. Mador not only looked like Jade, but better, he was the font of great wisdom for me in my early and impressionable days in the SCA.
It was he who first told me of the Seven Secret Blows of Knighthood. These were allegedly the killer blows that stood between the good fighter and the belted fighter. If an unbelted fighter could work them out by himself, he was guaranteed to be asked into the Chiv. If not, he could still be asked in and, once he said yes, he would be taken out behind the bikesheds and taught the seven secret blows.
It is almost certainly due to the way that Mador told this story that in my twisted imagination those blows involved R-rated boy-on-boy action, however, I thought at the time that there had to be some sort of helpful information sharing that happens, so it could all be plausible.
J tells me that the seven secret blows of knighthood are in fact the seven best kills you get on Lochac's most egocentric knights, but I still think that there is secret information that needs to be shared.
When I was made a Laurel, a bunch of the older Laurels gave me good advice over the first six months of actual Laurelhood, and in the year I thought about it before I said yes. The problem with reigning is that by the time six months have passed, you're pretty much done. You need to be able to hit the ground running, forewarned and forearmed (with metaphorical weapons, not actual arms. Because it will be hard to win Crown without arms.) So here are the first several secret blows of reigning, which could also be titled "Things we all learn while running imaginary countries but that no-one tells you about for fear you'll flee."
1. Everyone will be your new best friend
There are several categories of Royalty's new best friend. Quite a few of them are actually positive. Let's look at each in turn.
The first type is the award friend. These are people to whom you have given an award, be it an AoA, a leaf level, a GoA or a Patent. These are big moments for many SCAdians. They are moved by the recognition, and thrilled at the dangly or the scroll. Because you will be good royalty, you will have put together a lovely little speech made up of notes distilled from the recommendations you received. So what they hear is a good potted history of their time in the SCA. And they think: "Wow, I never thought you even knew my name, and here you've known what I've been up to all along!" So the next time they see you, they are really happy to see you and give you a little hug or stop for a little chat. And you stand there and think "Fuck. I've got a really positive vibe about this person, but I have no idea where they're from. For some reason I think they're really, really good at calligraphy ..."
The award friend is usually very understanding and if you smile and say "Oh goodness, I know that I know you, I know that I like you, but I am having the worst mental blank!" then they will fill in all the gaps for you and be quite okay about it, because they know that you must give out dozens of awards. The people who are particularly gracious about this sometimes move their way into the next category.
The second type is the shared-drama friend. You will usually meet these people in times of shared adversity. They will come to you with a problem, but be so sensible and so cool about the whole thing that not only is the problem unusually easy to solve, you will start thinking "Hey, what a great person. I wish I could hang out with that person more." Oftentimes there will be follow-up issues and you will actually have a chance of forming a genuine good acquaintanceship which might develop into real friendship with these people. Colum from River Haven was one of these for us. He was so damned practical and groovy that we started thinking that we must have known him for ages, when in fact we have probably spoken in person for a total of one hour. But that will go up now that we can hang at Festival!
Sometimes sharing the various production sagas that come with a reign can also create these types of friends, although usually with people that you already like. Katje and I bonded a lot more over the reign through shared dramas, and I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of really cool new and newish people like Leoflaeda and Laetitia when sensible people threw them at me to help me at various times. These are all good people, you should hold onto the ones you meet in this category.
The third type is the renewed friend. These are the people who knew you way back when and who, for one reason or another have drifted away. Some of these come back when you're reigning for good reasons, such as they want to help you, or they miss you and regret having drifted. Others , J would say most, come back because they want something, whether that's a crack at the LoG, food from High Table or simply to hang around a load of cynical foul-mouthed people with fabulously shiny crowns. Keep the first lot, send the second lot out to buy you good wine. You may as well get something useful out of them.
The fourth type is the 'I want an award!' friend. These are easy to spot. Within five minutes of stopping by for a quick chat they will have reminded you of the amazing work they did on X. You will have in your possession five emails from their family and friends talking about the amazing work they did on X. Often the language used to describe said work will be identical. Send them off to get some chocolate to go with the wine.
The fifth type is the 'I used to be important!' friend. These are the saddest friends of all. When you're not reigning, you'll probably take time out of any event they're at to sit with them over a cuppa and say "Yes, yes, you were a very good Baron/Baronesss/P/K/Q/Board member. There have been few that were anywhere near as good as you. I feel blessed to have seen you in your days of glory." But when you are reigning, you just don't have the two hours spare to tell them how much better than you they are. Duck behind a door and have your guards tell you when it's safe to come out, there's no other way.
The sixth type just wants to shag the King. Now it must be said that we have had very little problem with this type. Because despite the fact that I only know how to throw four shots with any degree of competence, I have somehow managed to convince everyone that I am a terrifying fiend who will kill them if they touch J in his special places. In fact, I probably would, but I would use herbal poisons or bother LAJ for some biological samples.
Yet even J in our first K&Q reign came home from an event looking very troubled. He sat down. He frowned. "Babe," he said, "a girl licked me." He shuddered a bit. Draco confided that he has had a few women give him funny looks, so he keeps Asa nice and close, because she is genuinely scary and much stronger than I am.
I have nothing against people wanting to shag single kings or kings they are going out with. In fact, if Phil ever wins crown, he will be delighted to see if this stereotype takes off in Lochac. But hands off the married men unless you want a slapping.
2. Take toilet breaks
You thought I'd never get off one. Fear not, that was probably the longest. This one will be short. Everyone will advise you to go to the loo before court. This is good advice as it will mean that you never leave your Queen holding the sword of state alone while you take a quick break from Court. But you need to think more broadly. Make sure that you remember to go to the loo through the course of the event, have your head of court schedule it if you must. Because if you don't, your bladder will announce that it is utterly full at the exact same moment as a child with cancer comes over to be introduced to the royalty and spend her last half hour before she has to go to hospital for chemo.
3. Be careful doing flashy stuff with swords
Now you know and I know that the only reason the Crown ever dramatically draws the Sword of State is because we all like to look like flash gits and allow that moment of fantasy where we gut whichever member of the populace has driven us to distraction on any given day. But if you are going to draw the sword, bear in mind a few quick tips.
4. You can't win
No matter what you do as Crown, you can't win with everyone. A good example was the Sunday Court at Festival. We had asked specifically that it not be scheduled against the Caroso Ball. Because I am afraid of Del. It was, of course, on the programme for the same time and place as the ball. We had a Pelicanning and a Laurel to do at this court. The kids had a stack of things that needed to happen in that court. It would not be short, no matter how much we tried. There was one option available; move it to lunch. There were two A&S classes that were also scheduled for that time, so we sent people to ask the teachers if they would mind being moved (they were very kind), asked the Heralds to announce it all in the morning call and hoped for the best.
I should add that one of the classes was being taught by a woman who is a Pelican and a Laurel and wanted to be at both ceremonies.
The Court itself went off well. The Peerages and the kids were all sorted and happy and that night dozens of dancers and musicians were able to have their ball without interruption. I thought that we did quite well on short notice.
Since then, I have had no fewer than 20 people complain in a gentle way that they were very upset they missed the A&S class they wanted because it was moved because of bloody court. For a start, hardly anyone gets 10 people per class, so I don't believe they were all really going, secondly, two A&S classes against 45 kids, two peerage orders and Del does not equal a lay-down-misere.
But you can't win. Whenever you do something to please one section of the populace, another will think you are the Worst Crown Ever. So just give up on the being universally loved theory, it won't happen. But, on the bright side, there will be people who'll want to shag you for an award!
5. You will be loved to death.
People want to do something special for the royalty. This is a sweet and generous impulse, but it is not always grounded in common sense. So you get events that have Exciting Things scheduled from 10am to 11pm at three different locations. And after about nine hours, you really need a nap, but there'll be a dance performance you must catch instead.
Or you might miss a play. A play that you've never really liked and aren't too upset about having missed despite being very fond of the cast and crew. And they'll put it on again especially for you. In a big tent on a night that is about -3°C. And while everyone else is huddled together under blankies and cloaks on the haybales, you will have thrones in the middle of the tent. In the wind tunnel rolling down the centre of the haybale corridor, with nothing behind you. And you'll really need a nap, but you'll be afraid of dying of hypothermia if you take one. In these conditions, I can thoroughly recommend having a glass-mantled oil lantern and a big skirt. Put the former under the latter and you will be toasty. The actors will wonder why your feet are glowing, but that's not your problem.
You will be fed meat, meat and more meat. Eventually some broccoli will appear and you will cry with happiness and then a server will pour butter sauce all over it. You will find yourself stealing the lettuce garnish from the platters in a bid to retain bowel function and some degree of heart health.
People will take your bag from your hands. They will then be some distance away from you, with your bag. Your bag that contains your wallet, so you can't buy anything, and your glass, so you can't drink anything, –boys, skip to the next paragraph! – you can't even keep hold of the bag containing your tampons and tissues, so periods and colds become an excercise in time management as you negotiate finding whoever has your bag before any biological need becomes pressing.
People will come and see you and hug you even though they have dragged themselves off their sickbed to do so. I was comparatively lucky to only come down with bird flu given the range of exciting viruses that presented themselves.
There's nothing that you can do about all of this, other than remind yourself that when you are no longer reigning, you will make sure to offer your services as Royalty liaison for any local events and make sure that naptime and salads are provided and that whoever steals the bag shadows the Queen. And run interference with the plaguey!
6. Remember that you like your consort
Many Kings are very sweet but comparatively useless. You can forget that you like them after the 15th time you organise a full court while they are off having a great chat and cuppa with their mates. Similarly, many Queens grow grumpy as their reign goes on and can be less lovable than they once were due to overwork and exhaustion.
If your consort is also your partner, you should remember that you like to have sex with them. Now you would think that this goes without saying, but, while reigning, the average week goes like this:
Monday - work, come home, fall asleep, knackered
Tuesday - work, stay back to get ahead with things so you can leave on time for the plane at the end of the week, come home, eat take-away, fall asleep, knackered
Wednesday - work, come home, have grumpy phone call from someone who is very upset about something, follow up with three other phonecalls if it is an alleged problem, 12 if it is a real problem, fall asleep, knackered.
Thursday - work, come home, panic about the weekend, do C&I for the scrolls, iron garb, pack bags, fall asleep, knackered.
Friday - work, catch plane, get picked up, find out that you are in the spare room between the rooms containing your old friends who are billetting you and their five-year-old, fall asleep, knackered.
Saturday - SCA all day, post revel, fall asleep utterly knackered.
Sunday - SCA biff day, catch plane, come home, wash clothes and garb, fall asleep, knackered.
Morwynna has a brilliant scheme where she advises new royalty to take their calendar, cross out all the weekends with essential family events, cross out all the ones with essential SCA events, give yourself one weekend off a month that you refuse to go to an event on, the remaining weekends are the only ones free for royal visits. It's genius. Do that.
Remember that even when you want to strangle the bloody King, you still love your J, even if he is a bit evil. And once you step down, the catching up is fun ...
7. Remember that you have a life
While reigning, you can find the SCA eating your life. Be sure to call your other friends occasionally so that you can have a normal conversation. See movies, watch the news, read the papers, clean the house. If you clean the house as you go, it will not reach the state where it is so terrifying that you will start a blog rather than face it. Not that I would know anything about that.
That's all for now, but there will be more at a later date.
It was he who first told me of the Seven Secret Blows of Knighthood. These were allegedly the killer blows that stood between the good fighter and the belted fighter. If an unbelted fighter could work them out by himself, he was guaranteed to be asked into the Chiv. If not, he could still be asked in and, once he said yes, he would be taken out behind the bikesheds and taught the seven secret blows.
It is almost certainly due to the way that Mador told this story that in my twisted imagination those blows involved R-rated boy-on-boy action, however, I thought at the time that there had to be some sort of helpful information sharing that happens, so it could all be plausible.
J tells me that the seven secret blows of knighthood are in fact the seven best kills you get on Lochac's most egocentric knights, but I still think that there is secret information that needs to be shared.
When I was made a Laurel, a bunch of the older Laurels gave me good advice over the first six months of actual Laurelhood, and in the year I thought about it before I said yes. The problem with reigning is that by the time six months have passed, you're pretty much done. You need to be able to hit the ground running, forewarned and forearmed (with metaphorical weapons, not actual arms. Because it will be hard to win Crown without arms.) So here are the first several secret blows of reigning, which could also be titled "Things we all learn while running imaginary countries but that no-one tells you about for fear you'll flee."
1. Everyone will be your new best friend
There are several categories of Royalty's new best friend. Quite a few of them are actually positive. Let's look at each in turn.
The first type is the award friend. These are people to whom you have given an award, be it an AoA, a leaf level, a GoA or a Patent. These are big moments for many SCAdians. They are moved by the recognition, and thrilled at the dangly or the scroll. Because you will be good royalty, you will have put together a lovely little speech made up of notes distilled from the recommendations you received. So what they hear is a good potted history of their time in the SCA. And they think: "Wow, I never thought you even knew my name, and here you've known what I've been up to all along!" So the next time they see you, they are really happy to see you and give you a little hug or stop for a little chat. And you stand there and think "Fuck. I've got a really positive vibe about this person, but I have no idea where they're from. For some reason I think they're really, really good at calligraphy ..."
The award friend is usually very understanding and if you smile and say "Oh goodness, I know that I know you, I know that I like you, but I am having the worst mental blank!" then they will fill in all the gaps for you and be quite okay about it, because they know that you must give out dozens of awards. The people who are particularly gracious about this sometimes move their way into the next category.
The second type is the shared-drama friend. You will usually meet these people in times of shared adversity. They will come to you with a problem, but be so sensible and so cool about the whole thing that not only is the problem unusually easy to solve, you will start thinking "Hey, what a great person. I wish I could hang out with that person more." Oftentimes there will be follow-up issues and you will actually have a chance of forming a genuine good acquaintanceship which might develop into real friendship with these people. Colum from River Haven was one of these for us. He was so damned practical and groovy that we started thinking that we must have known him for ages, when in fact we have probably spoken in person for a total of one hour. But that will go up now that we can hang at Festival!
Sometimes sharing the various production sagas that come with a reign can also create these types of friends, although usually with people that you already like. Katje and I bonded a lot more over the reign through shared dramas, and I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of really cool new and newish people like Leoflaeda and Laetitia when sensible people threw them at me to help me at various times. These are all good people, you should hold onto the ones you meet in this category.
The third type is the renewed friend. These are the people who knew you way back when and who, for one reason or another have drifted away. Some of these come back when you're reigning for good reasons, such as they want to help you, or they miss you and regret having drifted. Others , J would say most, come back because they want something, whether that's a crack at the LoG, food from High Table or simply to hang around a load of cynical foul-mouthed people with fabulously shiny crowns. Keep the first lot, send the second lot out to buy you good wine. You may as well get something useful out of them.
The fourth type is the 'I want an award!' friend. These are easy to spot. Within five minutes of stopping by for a quick chat they will have reminded you of the amazing work they did on X. You will have in your possession five emails from their family and friends talking about the amazing work they did on X. Often the language used to describe said work will be identical. Send them off to get some chocolate to go with the wine.
The fifth type is the 'I used to be important!' friend. These are the saddest friends of all. When you're not reigning, you'll probably take time out of any event they're at to sit with them over a cuppa and say "Yes, yes, you were a very good Baron/Baronesss/P/K/Q/Board member. There have been few that were anywhere near as good as you. I feel blessed to have seen you in your days of glory." But when you are reigning, you just don't have the two hours spare to tell them how much better than you they are. Duck behind a door and have your guards tell you when it's safe to come out, there's no other way.
The sixth type just wants to shag the King. Now it must be said that we have had very little problem with this type. Because despite the fact that I only know how to throw four shots with any degree of competence, I have somehow managed to convince everyone that I am a terrifying fiend who will kill them if they touch J in his special places. In fact, I probably would, but I would use herbal poisons or bother LAJ for some biological samples.
Yet even J in our first K&Q reign came home from an event looking very troubled. He sat down. He frowned. "Babe," he said, "a girl licked me." He shuddered a bit. Draco confided that he has had a few women give him funny looks, so he keeps Asa nice and close, because she is genuinely scary and much stronger than I am.
I have nothing against people wanting to shag single kings or kings they are going out with. In fact, if Phil ever wins crown, he will be delighted to see if this stereotype takes off in Lochac. But hands off the married men unless you want a slapping.
2. Take toilet breaks
You thought I'd never get off one. Fear not, that was probably the longest. This one will be short. Everyone will advise you to go to the loo before court. This is good advice as it will mean that you never leave your Queen holding the sword of state alone while you take a quick break from Court. But you need to think more broadly. Make sure that you remember to go to the loo through the course of the event, have your head of court schedule it if you must. Because if you don't, your bladder will announce that it is utterly full at the exact same moment as a child with cancer comes over to be introduced to the royalty and spend her last half hour before she has to go to hospital for chemo.
3. Be careful doing flashy stuff with swords
Now you know and I know that the only reason the Crown ever dramatically draws the Sword of State is because we all like to look like flash gits and allow that moment of fantasy where we gut whichever member of the populace has driven us to distraction on any given day. But if you are going to draw the sword, bear in mind a few quick tips.
- Don't do it underneath a glass light fixture
- Don't do it when surrounded closely by attendants who are not paying attention.
- Don't do it if your arms are shorter than mine (my span only just clears the scabbard)
- If you give the scabbard to someone else to hold while you draw the sword, make sure they know to hold onto the scabbard.
- Also make sure they know to hold it with the sword bit up so that the sword doesn't fall out before you can draw it.
- In fact, don't give your sword to any member of Corney's household.
4. You can't win
No matter what you do as Crown, you can't win with everyone. A good example was the Sunday Court at Festival. We had asked specifically that it not be scheduled against the Caroso Ball. Because I am afraid of Del. It was, of course, on the programme for the same time and place as the ball. We had a Pelicanning and a Laurel to do at this court. The kids had a stack of things that needed to happen in that court. It would not be short, no matter how much we tried. There was one option available; move it to lunch. There were two A&S classes that were also scheduled for that time, so we sent people to ask the teachers if they would mind being moved (they were very kind), asked the Heralds to announce it all in the morning call and hoped for the best.
I should add that one of the classes was being taught by a woman who is a Pelican and a Laurel and wanted to be at both ceremonies.
The Court itself went off well. The Peerages and the kids were all sorted and happy and that night dozens of dancers and musicians were able to have their ball without interruption. I thought that we did quite well on short notice.
Since then, I have had no fewer than 20 people complain in a gentle way that they were very upset they missed the A&S class they wanted because it was moved because of bloody court. For a start, hardly anyone gets 10 people per class, so I don't believe they were all really going, secondly, two A&S classes against 45 kids, two peerage orders and Del does not equal a lay-down-misere.
But you can't win. Whenever you do something to please one section of the populace, another will think you are the Worst Crown Ever. So just give up on the being universally loved theory, it won't happen. But, on the bright side, there will be people who'll want to shag you for an award!
5. You will be loved to death.
People want to do something special for the royalty. This is a sweet and generous impulse, but it is not always grounded in common sense. So you get events that have Exciting Things scheduled from 10am to 11pm at three different locations. And after about nine hours, you really need a nap, but there'll be a dance performance you must catch instead.
Or you might miss a play. A play that you've never really liked and aren't too upset about having missed despite being very fond of the cast and crew. And they'll put it on again especially for you. In a big tent on a night that is about -3°C. And while everyone else is huddled together under blankies and cloaks on the haybales, you will have thrones in the middle of the tent. In the wind tunnel rolling down the centre of the haybale corridor, with nothing behind you. And you'll really need a nap, but you'll be afraid of dying of hypothermia if you take one. In these conditions, I can thoroughly recommend having a glass-mantled oil lantern and a big skirt. Put the former under the latter and you will be toasty. The actors will wonder why your feet are glowing, but that's not your problem.
You will be fed meat, meat and more meat. Eventually some broccoli will appear and you will cry with happiness and then a server will pour butter sauce all over it. You will find yourself stealing the lettuce garnish from the platters in a bid to retain bowel function and some degree of heart health.
People will take your bag from your hands. They will then be some distance away from you, with your bag. Your bag that contains your wallet, so you can't buy anything, and your glass, so you can't drink anything, –boys, skip to the next paragraph! – you can't even keep hold of the bag containing your tampons and tissues, so periods and colds become an excercise in time management as you negotiate finding whoever has your bag before any biological need becomes pressing.
People will come and see you and hug you even though they have dragged themselves off their sickbed to do so. I was comparatively lucky to only come down with bird flu given the range of exciting viruses that presented themselves.
There's nothing that you can do about all of this, other than remind yourself that when you are no longer reigning, you will make sure to offer your services as Royalty liaison for any local events and make sure that naptime and salads are provided and that whoever steals the bag shadows the Queen. And run interference with the plaguey!
6. Remember that you like your consort
Many Kings are very sweet but comparatively useless. You can forget that you like them after the 15th time you organise a full court while they are off having a great chat and cuppa with their mates. Similarly, many Queens grow grumpy as their reign goes on and can be less lovable than they once were due to overwork and exhaustion.
If your consort is also your partner, you should remember that you like to have sex with them. Now you would think that this goes without saying, but, while reigning, the average week goes like this:
Monday - work, come home, fall asleep, knackered
Tuesday - work, stay back to get ahead with things so you can leave on time for the plane at the end of the week, come home, eat take-away, fall asleep, knackered
Wednesday - work, come home, have grumpy phone call from someone who is very upset about something, follow up with three other phonecalls if it is an alleged problem, 12 if it is a real problem, fall asleep, knackered.
Thursday - work, come home, panic about the weekend, do C&I for the scrolls, iron garb, pack bags, fall asleep, knackered.
Friday - work, catch plane, get picked up, find out that you are in the spare room between the rooms containing your old friends who are billetting you and their five-year-old, fall asleep, knackered.
Saturday - SCA all day, post revel, fall asleep utterly knackered.
Sunday - SCA biff day, catch plane, come home, wash clothes and garb, fall asleep, knackered.
Morwynna has a brilliant scheme where she advises new royalty to take their calendar, cross out all the weekends with essential family events, cross out all the ones with essential SCA events, give yourself one weekend off a month that you refuse to go to an event on, the remaining weekends are the only ones free for royal visits. It's genius. Do that.
Remember that even when you want to strangle the bloody King, you still love your J, even if he is a bit evil. And once you step down, the catching up is fun ...
7. Remember that you have a life
While reigning, you can find the SCA eating your life. Be sure to call your other friends occasionally so that you can have a normal conversation. See movies, watch the news, read the papers, clean the house. If you clean the house as you go, it will not reach the state where it is so terrifying that you will start a blog rather than face it. Not that I would know anything about that.
That's all for now, but there will be more at a later date.
posted by Miss D at 9:39 pm
4 Comments:
What about comfy shoes? You forgot Comfy shoes!
And the thornes being the right height! So when someone takes a photo it doesn't look like you've decided to squat through an entire court, in the worst sense.
Comfy shoes will definitely be coming along in SBoR part II or III. As to thrones, I give up. None of them are the right height for me and the best I can hope for is that my skirt reaches the floor so that no-one can see my little feet dangling in the air.
Heh. And here I thought point 1 WAS point 1 to 7...
You should really do some sort of guide book on these things :)
The thought of your cute little feet dangling about the ground just makes me giggle...
I am hoping for the power of the crown.. But I don't hold out hope, as the belt hasn't helped ;)
2 Litres of Petrol and a match can sort out all your cleaning woes...
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