The Seven-Point Plan for Conflict Calming
I have been very quiet. Because it's summer and hot weather makes my brain dribble out my ears. Due to heat-induced stupidity, I have been saving all my smarts for work. [Including the ones that stop me making glaring typos by blogging in the wee hours. Fixed now. Just the unglaring ones left.]
But a startling number of people have been emailing me for advice. Which is very funny, because I have over the years written several fake advice columns where I had to make up the questions. No less than eight people have asked me for conflict advice in the last month, and I didn't have to make up a single one of them.
Why? You may well ask. Because Miss D and Nelson Mandela aren't names that are immediately paired in most minds, even after all those years of ANC dues and that tricky diplomatic incident.
On the one hand, I am getting increasingly old and have not yet killed any of my contemporaries despite an appalling temper and violent streak. And on the other hand, I have had to learn how to deal with my appalling temper and violent streak well enough to pass for someone remotely gracious.
So, given that the basic material was so dodgy, I have in fact thought about how to resolve conflicts without tears an awful lot. In fact, I have a strategy, which I have been cheerfully sharing with people on an ad hoc basis. Tonight, I actually wrote it down. Here, in seven simple steps, is my strategy for dealing with practically every conflict.
1. How much of this situation is my fault?
It goes without saying that we find it really easy to see what other people have done to screw things up. What it took me years to learn was that I have always contributed in some way, too. Sometimes it was active, such as calling someone a twat. Sometimes it was passive, such as not talking to someone when I sensed they had a problem with me. Sometimes it was in good faith, such as treating an utter idiot like a normal person, sometimes it was in bad faith, such as not helping someone because it was all too hard.
No matter how small or large, you will always find that there is some part of the blame that rests with you. It is important to start here, because this will give you insights into why the other person or people involved act the way they do.
2. People are NOT psychic
You do not have a lot of the information about what's going on in the head of your opposition. Neither do they know about yours. Unless you have sat down and spoken calmly, honestly and at length on the issue, it's highly likely that both sides are ascribing to the other values and beliefs they simply do not hold. You may well have the right idea about what's motivating the other side, but you may also have the wrong idea. Talking is the only way to find out.
3. People are NOT bad American movies
As a writer, I find most American film pretty hard to watch as I can usually tell what will happen after about 10 minutes. Some people say there are only seven plots, and Hollywood seems to believe this. It is very easy to start ascribing motivations to people and then reacting to them based on what you believe their motivation to be. Once again, while you may well be right a lot of the time, sometimes you will be horribly wrong and it will make the situation infinitely worse.
There are two options here, you can either ask people what is motivating them, which you should do for people you care about, or you can address the specific issue and intentionally ignore whatever is behind it, which is faster for dealing with people you don't care about, but with whom you have an operational relationship.
4. Write out the argument
Take some paper and sit down and write out all of your points on the debate, then write out all of your opponent's points. NOT THE ONES YOU THINK THEY HAVE MADE, just the ones they have actually made and that you know came from them, not from hangers-on. Now sit down and see if you can make a valid case out of your opponent's argument. What parts of their beliefs are true and what parts are not? Are there areas where you agree on deeper issues?
For example, I believe the death penalty is indefensible. But I would agree with a pro-death penalty activist that serious crimes deserve serious punishments and that victims are going to feel a desire for revenge. This doesn't change my core beliefs, but it does change how I argue the case.
5. What can I give up to make this better?
In almost every conflict, there is some actual thing being debated. Power, money, time, possessions, oil ... the list is a long one. If you can clearly see the thing that is at the centre of the debate, then ask yourself if you can give up some of it to make the situation better.
So, can you share power? Split an inheritance? Play with a different group for a while? Concede one argument to win a bigger point? If there are concessions that you can make that will bring the conflict to a satisfactory resolution without you feeling that you have given up too much for your integrity, then make them.
6. Don't try to 'win'
When both sides in a debate are going for a win, it means that each is trying to make the other lose and that each will hold on like crazy to their positions, even when they start to suspect they're just a teeny bit bonkers.
I like to come to a debate in a bid to convince others that my position is strongest, but also willing to take input and modify that position when convinced by the other debators.
On the one hand, this actually does work and I often end up with something that is very close to my original position because other people feel happy that they have had wins on small issues that I was prepared to sacrifice. (Er, yes. That is Machiavellian. But like most Renaissance thinkers, he was onto something.)
Even if I can't come to a satisfactory conclusion, calmly sitting through the debate and saying "Whoa, you're personalising this issue here, can we just relax a little and come back to my central problem. You clearly have a different view of what should be happening, stop shouting and just tell me what that is." will make you look sane and rational and either convince the opposition that you are there in good faith, or else really, really piss them off. At which point you should stand up and say "I'm not prepared to stay here so that you can shout a lot. Give me a call when you calm down."
7. You can't work with crazy people
This one takes years to work out. But when you have rationally, calmly put your views, made concessions, tried to see things their way and tried to rid yourself of all the baggage you brought to the issue while communicating freely and openly ... and it's STILL all bonkers, sometimes you have to realise that the person opposing you is just mad.
This is an end-point position. Don't start with this assumption, no matter how tempting, but when it's the only logical answer, then it's probably true. Mad or on drugs. You cannot deal with this person, step away, close it down, stop contact.
In addition to the seven general points, there are two specific memos. Firstly, you are not responsible for the stupidity of others, and trying to be is a recipe for pain. Secondly, if you think someone is stupid or lacks integrity, don't vote for them.
And I freely admit that I learned number six from The West Wing. And number four from Miss William's debate classes.
In other news, birthday approaching, garden labourer coming tomorrow for clean-up and planting (yay!). Catering under control (bigger yay!) Forgot to invite about a dozen people that I really like and it's just embarrassing to do it now (boo!), so I'll have them over for dinner at some point instead (yay!).
And James, if you're still wondering about last-minute presents, try:
Really, I should have just abandoned the party and spent all the cash buying myself things I now realise I'd quite like to have ...
But a startling number of people have been emailing me for advice. Which is very funny, because I have over the years written several fake advice columns where I had to make up the questions. No less than eight people have asked me for conflict advice in the last month, and I didn't have to make up a single one of them.
Why? You may well ask. Because Miss D and Nelson Mandela aren't names that are immediately paired in most minds, even after all those years of ANC dues and that tricky diplomatic incident.
On the one hand, I am getting increasingly old and have not yet killed any of my contemporaries despite an appalling temper and violent streak. And on the other hand, I have had to learn how to deal with my appalling temper and violent streak well enough to pass for someone remotely gracious.
So, given that the basic material was so dodgy, I have in fact thought about how to resolve conflicts without tears an awful lot. In fact, I have a strategy, which I have been cheerfully sharing with people on an ad hoc basis. Tonight, I actually wrote it down. Here, in seven simple steps, is my strategy for dealing with practically every conflict.
1. How much of this situation is my fault?
It goes without saying that we find it really easy to see what other people have done to screw things up. What it took me years to learn was that I have always contributed in some way, too. Sometimes it was active, such as calling someone a twat. Sometimes it was passive, such as not talking to someone when I sensed they had a problem with me. Sometimes it was in good faith, such as treating an utter idiot like a normal person, sometimes it was in bad faith, such as not helping someone because it was all too hard.
No matter how small or large, you will always find that there is some part of the blame that rests with you. It is important to start here, because this will give you insights into why the other person or people involved act the way they do.
2. People are NOT psychic
You do not have a lot of the information about what's going on in the head of your opposition. Neither do they know about yours. Unless you have sat down and spoken calmly, honestly and at length on the issue, it's highly likely that both sides are ascribing to the other values and beliefs they simply do not hold. You may well have the right idea about what's motivating the other side, but you may also have the wrong idea. Talking is the only way to find out.
3. People are NOT bad American movies
As a writer, I find most American film pretty hard to watch as I can usually tell what will happen after about 10 minutes. Some people say there are only seven plots, and Hollywood seems to believe this. It is very easy to start ascribing motivations to people and then reacting to them based on what you believe their motivation to be. Once again, while you may well be right a lot of the time, sometimes you will be horribly wrong and it will make the situation infinitely worse.
There are two options here, you can either ask people what is motivating them, which you should do for people you care about, or you can address the specific issue and intentionally ignore whatever is behind it, which is faster for dealing with people you don't care about, but with whom you have an operational relationship.
4. Write out the argument
Take some paper and sit down and write out all of your points on the debate, then write out all of your opponent's points. NOT THE ONES YOU THINK THEY HAVE MADE, just the ones they have actually made and that you know came from them, not from hangers-on. Now sit down and see if you can make a valid case out of your opponent's argument. What parts of their beliefs are true and what parts are not? Are there areas where you agree on deeper issues?
For example, I believe the death penalty is indefensible. But I would agree with a pro-death penalty activist that serious crimes deserve serious punishments and that victims are going to feel a desire for revenge. This doesn't change my core beliefs, but it does change how I argue the case.
5. What can I give up to make this better?
In almost every conflict, there is some actual thing being debated. Power, money, time, possessions, oil ... the list is a long one. If you can clearly see the thing that is at the centre of the debate, then ask yourself if you can give up some of it to make the situation better.
So, can you share power? Split an inheritance? Play with a different group for a while? Concede one argument to win a bigger point? If there are concessions that you can make that will bring the conflict to a satisfactory resolution without you feeling that you have given up too much for your integrity, then make them.
6. Don't try to 'win'
When both sides in a debate are going for a win, it means that each is trying to make the other lose and that each will hold on like crazy to their positions, even when they start to suspect they're just a teeny bit bonkers.
I like to come to a debate in a bid to convince others that my position is strongest, but also willing to take input and modify that position when convinced by the other debators.
On the one hand, this actually does work and I often end up with something that is very close to my original position because other people feel happy that they have had wins on small issues that I was prepared to sacrifice. (Er, yes. That is Machiavellian. But like most Renaissance thinkers, he was onto something.)
Even if I can't come to a satisfactory conclusion, calmly sitting through the debate and saying "Whoa, you're personalising this issue here, can we just relax a little and come back to my central problem. You clearly have a different view of what should be happening, stop shouting and just tell me what that is." will make you look sane and rational and either convince the opposition that you are there in good faith, or else really, really piss them off. At which point you should stand up and say "I'm not prepared to stay here so that you can shout a lot. Give me a call when you calm down."
7. You can't work with crazy people
This one takes years to work out. But when you have rationally, calmly put your views, made concessions, tried to see things their way and tried to rid yourself of all the baggage you brought to the issue while communicating freely and openly ... and it's STILL all bonkers, sometimes you have to realise that the person opposing you is just mad.
This is an end-point position. Don't start with this assumption, no matter how tempting, but when it's the only logical answer, then it's probably true. Mad or on drugs. You cannot deal with this person, step away, close it down, stop contact.
In addition to the seven general points, there are two specific memos. Firstly, you are not responsible for the stupidity of others, and trying to be is a recipe for pain. Secondly, if you think someone is stupid or lacks integrity, don't vote for them.
And I freely admit that I learned number six from The West Wing. And number four from Miss William's debate classes.
In other news, birthday approaching, garden labourer coming tomorrow for clean-up and planting (yay!). Catering under control (bigger yay!) Forgot to invite about a dozen people that I really like and it's just embarrassing to do it now (boo!), so I'll have them over for dinner at some point instead (yay!).
And James, if you're still wondering about last-minute presents, try:
- Neil Gaiman's Mirrormask (movie, or any of the books)
- About 100 lace bobbins in the Bruges or Danish style
- A floor stand magnifying glass for embroidery
- The Complete New Yorker
- A year in the life of Shakespeare (it's a book)
- The Lord of the Rings complete soundtrack
- Fridge magnet poetry
- Pilates classes
Really, I should have just abandoned the party and spent all the cash buying myself things I now realise I'd quite like to have ...
posted by Miss D at 1:34 am
15 Comments:
You know you'll probably get a dozen fridge magnet poetries now.
8. Is there really an issue and is it really important?
Until I learnt this one I used to end up arguing about a lot of things that I didn't really care about. I had an opinion, but I didn't really care about what the upshot of the argument was. Think about the possible outcomes of the argument. If you really don't care which one you get, then stop arguing and let it go.
9. NOT arguing is always an option
You can always choose not to argue and to let something go without getting in the last word. Or better still, for trivial things, ignore them.
Adults are not so different from kids in that they only throw a tanty if someone is looking. People do things to get a reaction. If the reaction isn't forth coming, it loses steam. Kids are just better at screaming till they're tired, having a nap and then forgetting what it was they were upset about when they wake up.
Yes, you could spend all the dosh on you, but then you wouldn't get to share this momentous occasion with all your little pals and get at least three gifts you really hate.
Just like a wedding really, only no stinky rellies.
Can't wait!
But if you spent all the money on you, you wouldn't get to share this momentous occasion with your little pals and get a least three gifts you really hate. It's just like a wedding, only no stinky rellies.
Can't wait!
sorry, I'm shit and I can't scroll down. Good thing I can cook.
You know you are in the SCA when... you read the word conflict and you first think heraldry rather than an argument.
Not a bad thing, wenchi, my long cherished dream for a fridge-based ode could come true!
And Ant, you are very wise, especially 8.
Miss G, you are nearly right, it's really the urge to see my pals' expressions at the tidy house that has motivated me through seven hours of gardening today (oh my back ... oh my calves ...) and you are not crap. You're also good at sewing and eyeball rolling and have enviable glutes.
Myna, we've got to get you out more. Have I mentioned that I met a secret admirer of yours? He's actually nice. More information will be forthcoming at CF.
Not a bad thing, wenchi, my long cherished dream for a fridge-based ode could come true!
Fwoar! So much potential! Especially if everyone gave you different kits. Now that *could* be as cool as the fridge it's written on...
Bobbins......you actually want lace-making bobbins..... are you completely bonkers? Even after sewing 14,273 (not an acutate count) pearls down, with another 23,497 to go (also not acurate) I will never be quite crazy enough to try bobbin lace.
And you're talking to the girl who spend 2 hours last night (this IS an acurate count) threading bit of string onto cards to warp up a loom (to make a piece of ribbon....)
You once answered with "Short and deranged!" when I asked how you were. I'm starting to belive you.
:-)
Ooh, I missed the bobbin request, I was too focused on the Pilates idea, I love pilates. I really ought to get a good set of dvds myself.
Bobbins... yes...
Oh dear... Yes we must chat at CF but do watch out that I don't start matching my garb.
I've explained to the Elder Daughter of DOOOOM recently that Compromise is the art of coming to an arrangement with the other party whereby you both lose, but each one is certain the other has lost more.
Which is to say: you can't find a solution if both of you are unwilling to (a) lose, or (b) let the other person win. Sometimes you have to weigh up your potential losses and choose the best one.
Interestingly, at age 9-and-a-bit, she's already showing signs of understanding and applying this principle. Let me know if you want a Machiavellian protegé in about ten years, mmm-kay?
In other news: Happy Birthday! You honestly don't look at day over 420 in bat years.
And Myna Bird? Snap!
Get the erotic poetry set and the cooking set too. Souffle will never be the same again.
Happy birthday! I hope you were/are still surrounded by lots of lovelies:)
Mr Nw's mum does bobbin lace. I almost want to take it up just to get to use all the cool bobbins. Then I remember that I would go mad.
Your house was beautifully clean and the party lovely.
Despite the lack of fridge magnet poetry!
What did James end up getting you?
Happy belated birthday! Hope it was delightful for all concerned.
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