Reasons not to Sleep with Knights Part 1.

I've gone from having loads of time to having no time again, for which I blame work and people who do not read what they write. Things will look up again in the near future, but for now, it's time for some emergency filler before everyone writes me off as utterly hopeless. AND I can also get Maeve the first part of her new FTN copy this way! Because goodness knows where I've hidden the scan she wants. I'll dig out the orginal and make another one. Yes, I am crap.

So, reasons not to sleep with knights. Many, many, many years ago (nearly 11) I was at a party at Helen's house. I had recently started seeing the divine Mr J, who was in those days a lowly Squire. Actually, he may not have been quite squired yet. Anyway, he was a pretty rubbish fighter. All those people who looked at the photo of my early garb and said "Yay! She used to be crap, too!" would have said the same about J's fighting in the first year we were seeing each other.

His best mate in those days was Sir Ragnar Magnusson. Ragnar is a lovely bloke, though he's hell to keep in contact with unless you live in Newcastle. He was knighted at my second event, and for long and complicated reasons I ended up being on the door taking money for about an hour at that event (would you trust me with your cash? I mean, you can, but I was startled, too, they barely knew me.) Because I had no idea who anyone was, things took a little while and so I was relying on a combination of good looks and charm to keep people at their ease.
Ragnar handed over his membership card, he was dressed in red velvets as befitted the Yule theme. "What a great name!" I enthused, with enough tits and teeth to keep the whole Mordenvale contingent from getting cross with my ineptitude. Years later he reminded me of this, which sets the tone for the story that comes next.

At Helen's party, Ragnar and Sir Daemon of Deorc (venerable Lochacian legend, a little like a bunyip) were engaged in their famous evil old men act. Being a little older than Ragnar, I have always been immune to this act. Tina, the delightful but slightly crazy young woman who I had a complicated relationship with at the time, was astonished that I was seeing J. "You could have a knight! You could have a Duke!" she protested to me. I would normally have explained that I choose partners based solely on prettiness and amusingness (and there we have the secret of my sterling success with J and staggering lunacy with most other people), not on SCA rank, but she had said this in front of Ragnar and Daemon. And they were off.

"Yes, yes, yes," I waved a hand airily at their assertions of knightly prowess. "But I can give you 75 reasons not to sleep with Knights."

"Go on," they replied.

In the end, the list grew to 117 and did not even include the names of all the Knights I knew because I wasn't that mean (and one or two were vaguely fanciable). I found it recently and while some reasons were still funny, they weren't as funny as I would have wanted them to be. So let's start again. I reckon I can at least make the original 75 before I run out of good material. Suggestions, comments and cries of denial all welcome.

1. They have some very strange beliefs about counter-rotation.
2. Belts, chains, spurs: is this really your scene? (yes, I am keeping a few of the good ones from the original list for the three of you who read those)
3. They'll never love you as much as their lucky gambeson.
4. If they win a tournament, they're too tired for victory sex. If they lose, they're too bruised for pity sex.
5. When you're done, they call up 12 of their mates and dissect your technique.
6. They ask if it's okay to video things, "for their 'squires' ".
7. They stop you part way through and give you a quick tutorial on hip flicks.
8. After you've known them for a little while, they start leaving pieces of armour around the bedroom and invite inquiries.
9. They leave their chains on during.
10. They leave their spurs on during.
11. He wants you to call him "Sir".
12. He cries out, "Who's your feudal overlord?"
13. The expected answer is "You are, and you are mighty!"
14. At camping events, he sleeps with his gambeson in the tent.
15. At camping events, he sleeps with his gambeson as the pilllow.
16. When you first meet him, he begins his suit with "Hi babe, how'd you like to be Queen?"
17. Many years later when you are onto your 32nd hour of reign paperwork in the one week, he declares, "But that's why you were attracted to me in the first place!" before pissing off to fighter practice.
18. He's a traditional knight, there's a long list of conquests who have gone before.
19. He's a traditional Westie Knight, there's a long list of Queens who have gone before.
20. He's a traditional Lochac knight, there's a wife or long-time girlfriend who'll rip your bloody arms off.
21. Despite having developed something of a Ducal Profile, in his head he's still the same lithe squire he was 10 years ago. Sadly, he still dresses as if this was real.
22. They woo you on the Thursday of Rowany Festival with charm and wit, on Friday they expect you to watch them on the field, on Saturday they expect you to rub in the bruise cream, by Sunday they expect you to carry their armour and by Monday they're too tired, drunk and dehydrated to be any use whatsoever.
23. They learn from head blows.
24. By this stage, they've learned a lot. Unfortunately this means they will never recall your birthday.
25. They practise shots in their sleep (true!)