Reasons not to sleep with Knights, Part II
These things are easier to handle in 25-bad-joke lots.
And a pleasant distraction from yet more articles on the tragic and untimely death of Steve Irwin (two magazines, all Irwin, all the time. Except for the Brock bits. I'm just relieved that Kylie's feeling much better. In The Bulletin subs desk Aussie Icons Killed By Things They Love Dead Pool, I was going for John Howard killed by a six off an Australian bat, my good friend G is going for Shane Warne killed by a blonde.)
Anyway, you lot be appalled by this while I go off and console J for the fact that Schumi is retiring at the end of this season and wonder what crack the people who think that "lights have no place on the field of Chivalry" are on. (Alleged direct quote, according to J. No-one from our lovely Kingdom, fellow Lochacians.)
26. They swear to come and to go. Nothing about snuggling …
27. They spend their weekends on the tournament circuit.
28. They spend their disposable income on the tournament circuit.
29. They swear there’s no homo-erotic subtext to it all, then go off and ‘polish their armour’ with other men.
30. If you’re very unlucky, some of them occasionally strip off, oil up, and start wrestling. But really, there’s nothing gay about this.
31. Some of them insist on taking their squires in public.
32. Their squires follow them around asking for tips on all aspects of fighting.
33. Their squires start to follow you around asking for tips on all aspects of hygiene.
34. His fellow knights ask if you know any nice girls.
35. You break up and discover that his fellow knights think you’re a nice girl.
36. This happens more than once and you realise that you’re a cliché.
37. Things go well, you start a family, he wants to call the kid Galahad.
38. And you can’t fit the baby capsule and his pole arms in the car at once.
39. So you and Galahad stay at home.
40. Galahad’s a girl.
41. Why sleep with a Knight when a Laurel will make you nice things?
42. Or a Pelican will work very hard for you?
43. And those squires are very good at taking instruction …
44. To you it’s middle-age-spread, to him it’s a Ducal Profile.
45. In the throes of passion he cuts you out of your lacing. The next morning he’s cannibalised the laces to use for armour repairs and you have to hold your frock together with duct tape.
46. To him, two minutes is a long bout.
47. His sense of timing goes like this: one, two, three, reset. One-two, three-four, reset …
48. He thinks a small target area is your upper arm.
49. Don’t even ask about slot shots.
50. There’s a race memory lurking within him, if there’s someone on their knees in front of him, there should be a buffet …
And a pleasant distraction from yet more articles on the tragic and untimely death of Steve Irwin (two magazines, all Irwin, all the time. Except for the Brock bits. I'm just relieved that Kylie's feeling much better. In The Bulletin subs desk Aussie Icons Killed By Things They Love Dead Pool, I was going for John Howard killed by a six off an Australian bat, my good friend G is going for Shane Warne killed by a blonde.)
Anyway, you lot be appalled by this while I go off and console J for the fact that Schumi is retiring at the end of this season and wonder what crack the people who think that "lights have no place on the field of Chivalry" are on. (Alleged direct quote, according to J. No-one from our lovely Kingdom, fellow Lochacians.)
26. They swear to come and to go. Nothing about snuggling …
27. They spend their weekends on the tournament circuit.
28. They spend their disposable income on the tournament circuit.
29. They swear there’s no homo-erotic subtext to it all, then go off and ‘polish their armour’ with other men.
30. If you’re very unlucky, some of them occasionally strip off, oil up, and start wrestling. But really, there’s nothing gay about this.
31. Some of them insist on taking their squires in public.
32. Their squires follow them around asking for tips on all aspects of fighting.
33. Their squires start to follow you around asking for tips on all aspects of hygiene.
34. His fellow knights ask if you know any nice girls.
35. You break up and discover that his fellow knights think you’re a nice girl.
36. This happens more than once and you realise that you’re a cliché.
37. Things go well, you start a family, he wants to call the kid Galahad.
38. And you can’t fit the baby capsule and his pole arms in the car at once.
39. So you and Galahad stay at home.
40. Galahad’s a girl.
41. Why sleep with a Knight when a Laurel will make you nice things?
42. Or a Pelican will work very hard for you?
43. And those squires are very good at taking instruction …
44. To you it’s middle-age-spread, to him it’s a Ducal Profile.
45. In the throes of passion he cuts you out of your lacing. The next morning he’s cannibalised the laces to use for armour repairs and you have to hold your frock together with duct tape.
46. To him, two minutes is a long bout.
47. His sense of timing goes like this: one, two, three, reset. One-two, three-four, reset …
48. He thinks a small target area is your upper arm.
49. Don’t even ask about slot shots.
50. There’s a race memory lurking within him, if there’s someone on their knees in front of him, there should be a buffet …
posted by Miss D at 10:59 pm
8 Comments:
I think you sometimes have to much time on your hands..
The lacing one had me in stitches..
So do you know any nice girls? :P
All we needed was for Colin Thiele's death to be as a result of ink poisoning or a falling bookcase and we'd have a trifecta!
Our office prefers a John Howard death due to a tragic tracksuit malfunction during his regular jog.
"lights have no place on the field of chivalry" - the first thing I thought of was a night tourney and maybe the ability to fight in the dark is one of the "secret blows of knighthood". I clearly train under floodlights way too much.
A buffet? Yummy!
It's obviously been too long since I heralded a knighting. I always look away for the buffet, because it's just not done, dahlink, for the herald to squeak during the important bits.
Ducal profile. Egads. Lets' hope J doesn't start developing that.
Blancmange. Oh the things I have going through my head.
You are a truly evil influence on my sweetness and light.
Sweetness? What sweetness :P
Is there an implication I'm NOT sweetness and light!
*gasps*
How can it be ;p
There are no nice boys or girls left anywhere in the world. You're both going to have to make do with nasty ones.
Phil: the lacing one = true story. At least we Laurels can MAKE you some laces given half an hour.
ETFB: J told Uther that he wasn't going to be hit. Westie King and Crown Prince not happy at this exercise of choice. J compromised: "You can do a symbolic shove." They could live with that. He added, "And make sure that's all it is, because Y will be there and her teeth are at your groin height."
There are some places that my teeth will never go, and luckily had no need to because Uther is a man of his word. But could J not have mentioned my razor sharp elbows instead?
ROTFL - well actually tears streaming down my face whilst feeding small person and reading list of reasons to Severian...
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