And in other news ...

I like to see what's in the papers on my birthday as a bit of a scene setter for the coming year. This year was a combination of the very good with Richard Hammond happily back on Top Gear, which you can see here, and the very daft, with Americans believing that a shield to block out the sun is a better way of dealing with Global Warming than, oh, I don't know, a functional EPA or not driving a fucking truck everywhere.

So, basically the War on Drugs is lost, and they are now offically ALL on crack. It's the only plausible explanation.

Older!

And occasionally I feel wiser, but then I do something utterly daft. Oh well, at least it usually involves physical comedy and everyone gets a good laugh.

In news, this was a lovely birthday and that was a lovely party! Except I cocked up on one important item, which was not checking my inbox on the other email account I own, wherein were sitting two bounces for invites that had gone out and come straight back out. J has configured everything tricksily, and apparently my home account goes through my GMail account, which would have been good to realise last week.

So I am so sorry to Wenchi and Mr K, who were definitely both invited, if only it had reached you! And of course there were several other people who I meant to invite but just never got my act together. But that's just general D crapness.

As to the people I did invite, it was wonderful to see everyone! And there was charm and good humour and delightfulness all round. Thanks so much to Art, Blayney, Bleddynn and Deense for the last-minute organisation help. Although Deense should have sat down and relaxed!! I feel that the onions brought your headache back and that is not a happy thought.

Eadie led the rush to the children's play corner, then some actual toddlers arrived and the taller kids had to vacate. After spending time choosing pillows with different textures and putting out toys, it was the old favourite game of Rocks in Pots that kept the midget set happy (give toddler pot, set loose on pebble pathway, watch as pebbles are redistributed, return later. It's a winner!) Is and AJ were alternately adorable and grumping for England, but every time the tears started, there were more rocks!

M&M's barbecue was a godsend and chugged along merrily through many, many bits of food. We were going to have some sausages tonight, but we accidentally had cake first and that was the end of us.

It was very good to see people I don't get to catch up with often, including Peter, Taryn and Sarah. I know that Sarah was having a fairly crappy day for other reasons and it was really good to see her being able to relax for a few hours (and resist J's evil pavlova blandishments!)

J was completely right about the amount of pavlova required to feed our peer group. I was very over-compensating with the food. Keria supplied all the pre-prepped catering and it was delicious! And packaged in very thoughtful little ways. The kiddie dips were very fun. Oliver decided that he was not for blue kiddy tzatziki, but not before sliming his whole face with it. Sorry, DV! Our neighbour Jim and Meags and her J have now had the beer fairy visit after we realised that an undrunk slab of Coopers would take up the whole fridge.

As to pressies, made out like the proverbial bandit! Thanks, chaps! The best thing was that every gift was very thoughtful and just right. It's not that I have issues about parental forgettings of birthdays ... oh, hang on, yes I do. J was a winner, too, with a perfect pair of earrings and a light and magnifying glass combination for sewing.

And a very big thank you to everyone who commented on the cleanliness of the living room and garden. While my knees may never forgive me, at least we're now set up for more entertaining. Although the cat thinks we've done it all for her and was very cross when the cushions came back inside.

Thanks, too, to Drakey, Myna, Blod, Margie and Aphie for their notes. I feel very loved and happily birthdayed. Now I have to go off and sew lots while planning more great novel and serving all my meals in the new Countess bits (so we drink soup for a while, it's good!) Must sew, or J will be naked at Canty Faire and that would be very, very bad.

The Seven-Point Plan for Conflict Calming

I have been very quiet. Because it's summer and hot weather makes my brain dribble out my ears. Due to heat-induced stupidity, I have been saving all my smarts for work. [Including the ones that stop me making glaring typos by blogging in the wee hours. Fixed now. Just the unglaring ones left.]

But a startling number of people have been emailing me for advice. Which is very funny, because I have over the years written several fake advice columns where I had to make up the questions. No less than eight people have asked me for conflict advice in the last month, and I didn't have to make up a single one of them.

Why? You may well ask. Because Miss D and Nelson Mandela aren't names that are immediately paired in most minds, even after all those years of ANC dues and that tricky diplomatic incident.

On the one hand, I am getting increasingly old and have not yet killed any of my contemporaries despite an appalling temper and violent streak. And on the other hand, I have had to learn how to deal with my appalling temper and violent streak well enough to pass for someone remotely gracious.

So, given that the basic material was so dodgy, I have in fact thought about how to resolve conflicts without tears an awful lot. In fact, I have a strategy, which I have been cheerfully sharing with people on an ad hoc basis. Tonight, I actually wrote it down. Here, in seven simple steps, is my strategy for dealing with practically every conflict.

1. How much of this situation is my fault?

It goes without saying that we find it really easy to see what other people have done to screw things up. What it took me years to learn was that I have always contributed in some way, too. Sometimes it was active, such as calling someone a twat. Sometimes it was passive, such as not talking to someone when I sensed they had a problem with me. Sometimes it was in good faith, such as treating an utter idiot like a normal person, sometimes it was in bad faith, such as not helping someone because it was all too hard.

No matter how small or large, you will always find that there is some part of the blame that rests with you. It is important to start here, because this will give you insights into why the other person or people involved act the way they do.

2. People are NOT psychic

You do not have a lot of the information about what's going on in the head of your opposition. Neither do they know about yours. Unless you have sat down and spoken calmly, honestly and at length on the issue, it's highly likely that both sides are ascribing to the other values and beliefs they simply do not hold. You may well have the right idea about what's motivating the other side, but you may also have the wrong idea. Talking is the only way to find out.

3. People are NOT bad American movies

As a writer, I find most American film pretty hard to watch as I can usually tell what will happen after about 10 minutes. Some people say there are only seven plots, and Hollywood seems to believe this. It is very easy to start ascribing motivations to people and then reacting to them based on what you believe their motivation to be. Once again, while you may well be right a lot of the time, sometimes you will be horribly wrong and it will make the situation infinitely worse.

There are two options here, you can either ask people what is motivating them, which you should do for people you care about, or you can address the specific issue and intentionally ignore whatever is behind it, which is faster for dealing with people you don't care about, but with whom you have an operational relationship.

4. Write out the argument

Take some paper and sit down and write out all of your points on the debate, then write out all of your opponent's points. NOT THE ONES YOU THINK THEY HAVE MADE, just the ones they have actually made and that you know came from them, not from hangers-on. Now sit down and see if you can make a valid case out of your opponent's argument. What parts of their beliefs are true and what parts are not? Are there areas where you agree on deeper issues?

For example, I believe the death penalty is indefensible. But I would agree with a pro-death penalty activist that serious crimes deserve serious punishments and that victims are going to feel a desire for revenge. This doesn't change my core beliefs, but it does change how I argue the case.


5. What can I give up to make this better?

In almost every conflict, there is some actual thing being debated. Power, money, time, possessions, oil ... the list is a long one. If you can clearly see the thing that is at the centre of the debate, then ask yourself if you can give up some of it to make the situation better.

So, can you share power? Split an inheritance? Play with a different group for a while? Concede one argument to win a bigger point? If there are concessions that you can make that will bring the conflict to a satisfactory resolution without you feeling that you have given up too much for your integrity, then make them.

6. Don't try to 'win'

When both sides in a debate are going for a win, it means that each is trying to make the other lose and that each will hold on like crazy to their positions, even when they start to suspect they're just a teeny bit bonkers.

I like to come to a debate in a bid to convince others that my position is strongest, but also willing to take input and modify that position when convinced by the other debators.

On the one hand, this actually does work and I often end up with something that is very close to my original position because other people feel happy that they have had wins on small issues that I was prepared to sacrifice. (Er, yes. That is Machiavellian. But like most Renaissance thinkers, he was onto something.)

Even if I can't come to a satisfactory conclusion, calmly sitting through the debate and saying "Whoa, you're personalising this issue here, can we just relax a little and come back to my central problem. You clearly have a different view of what should be happening, stop shouting and just tell me what that is." will make you look sane and rational and either convince the opposition that you are there in good faith, or else really, really piss them off. At which point you should stand up and say "I'm not prepared to stay here so that you can shout a lot. Give me a call when you calm down."

7. You can't work with crazy people

This one takes years to work out. But when you have rationally, calmly put your views, made concessions, tried to see things their way and tried to rid yourself of all the baggage you brought to the issue while communicating freely and openly ... and it's STILL all bonkers, sometimes you have to realise that the person opposing you is just mad.

This is an end-point position. Don't start with this assumption, no matter how tempting, but when it's the only logical answer, then it's probably true. Mad or on drugs. You cannot deal with this person, step away, close it down, stop contact.


In addition to the seven general points, there are two specific memos. Firstly, you are not responsible for the stupidity of others, and trying to be is a recipe for pain. Secondly, if you think someone is stupid or lacks integrity, don't vote for them.

And I freely admit that I learned number six from The West Wing. And number four from Miss William's debate classes.


In other news, birthday approaching, garden labourer coming tomorrow for clean-up and planting (yay!). Catering under control (bigger yay!) Forgot to invite about a dozen people that I really like and it's just embarrassing to do it now (boo!), so I'll have them over for dinner at some point instead (yay!).

And James, if you're still wondering about last-minute presents, try:

• Neil Gaiman's Mirrormask (movie, or any of the books)
• About 100 lace bobbins in the Bruges or Danish style
• A floor stand magnifying glass for embroidery
• The Complete New Yorker
• A year in the life of Shakespeare (it's a book)
  
• The Lord of the Rings complete soundtrack
• Fridge magnet poetry
• Pilates classes

Really, I should have just abandoned the party and spent all the cash buying myself things I now realise I'd quite like to have ...