Fiat Lux

Right. A quick warning. Many people seem to be finding this blog due to its kooky climb up Google page rankings, for which I blame either Lorenzo, since he linked me from his highly ranked blog, or a scary number of cyber stalkers. If it's the latter, hi! Keep drinking the herbal tea!

The upshot is that people outside my original demographic are reading this, which is all cool, except that you may violently disagree with what I am about to write. That's your right, but I make two demands at this point. Read the whole lot before you comment, and comment in reasonable language. Because I swear to the gold bunny that anyone who writes "You shouldn't be on the field unless you're prepared to get hit," will have me making up little songs about their lack of genitalia from now until Ragnarok, and I will sing them regularly in my surprisingly carrying voice.

And for anyone who is actually thinking "But it's true!" let me put it to you like this. I am a costume laurel. If I started to rant that "You shouldn't be in the SCA unless you're prepared to handsew all your garb!" you would all look at me askance. It is exactly the same. Oh, and this is long, no surprises there ...

Okay, to the meat of it. Fiat Lux is a petition started by Baron Bartholomew about the "Lights Issue". You can trot off now and read the comments that hundreds of people have made here, or you can sign it yourself here. I want to talk a little bit about the issue and its repercussions, and then address some specific points that have come up from all this.

To read this, you need to know that Lochac has a number of unarmoured combat classifications that have traditionally taken our warfields. The first is light archers. These are archers wearing minimal body armour (a helm, elbow and knee protection which need not be rigid, and neck , groin and kidney protection). Their armour is designed to take one blow from a 'heavy' fighter in a worst-case scenario. Light archers are authorised and have tests for competency and safety regarding shooting and taking deaths, they must be at least 16 years old. Then there are light siege crew, who are similarly armoured and authorised. They crew the siege engines, of which we have a startling number these days. Finally there are banner bearers. Banner bearers only have to be 14 years old. They are also armoured with plumes, and have a separate authorisation have safety drills that include being shot with arrows from minimum range (because they're going to get shot at some point, and exposing them to the worst-case scenario at the beginning means they know whether they can cope or not.) All of these combatants wear plumes on their helms.

Our light archers shoot fibre-tape-wrapped wooden arrows with blunts on the ends, and in mixed combat scenarios all participants wear mesh. There are also heavy-only scenarios at all of our wars for people who hate mesh.

The "Lights Issue", as we have been referring to it around Casa Erko, is actually two law changes that have come together. The first of these is the ruling from the Society Earl Marshall (SEM) that all archers must wear heavy minimum armour. This ruling came from the previous SEM, Sir Robert Osborne (I think that's his name). It was not discussed with the Lochac Kingdom Earl Marshall (KEM), who at that time was Daemon Morrison.

So what? You might ask. Under the terms of the SCA/SCAA affiliation agreement, all policy changes at Society Officer level must be explicitly sent to the corresponding Lochac officer for comment. The exact wording is:

"All Society officers shall explicitly solicit comment from the corresponding officers of Lochac before imposing Society-wide policy decisions."

By 'explicitly solicit', the framers of the document intended that – as it says – the officers get in direct touch with the corresponding officer. They were not bound to abide by any dissent from Lochac, but they were bound under the terms of the agreement to directly approach the specific officer. Knowing that officer was on a list that they were chatting about the issues on was NOT enough.

How do I know what the people who framed the agreements meant? I was one of them. I quote here from an email that I sent to the SCA Inc team when we were negotiating the agreement:

[Miss D]
>Comment: We do need a necessary consultation with International Groups
>> from the>> Marshall of the Society. This has been happening on an ad hoc basis with
>> the>> last few incumbents of this role, however, it should be formalised,
since>> US>> law and custom deviates (at times substantially) from the rest of the
>> world in>> marshallate matters. The suggestion for SCAA opinion to be solicited
>> explicitly>> for all changes in Corpora (see below) covers part of this.

To which Meg Baron, who I think was then Chair of the SCA Inc, although she may have already begun her term as President, replied on March 8, 2002:

"Yes. There MUST be close communication between the worldwide
members of the Marshallate, probably more than in any other office or area
of activity."

Now Meg is a wonder, and she did her very best to make sure that this part of the agreement was adhered to. For nearly two years after we signed the agreement I was the Chair of the SCAA, then I reigned as queen for the first time, by then Meg was President of the SCA Inc. During that time we had several issues where Society Officers completely failed to get in touch with their Lochac counterparts before imposing Society-wide rule changes. Her response was always the same: If they haven't followed the conditions for the rules, then the rules do not exist for you guys.

So, when Daemon Morrison rang us as Crown in a bit of a flap and said that he'd just been told that there was a Society law change that all Lights must go to minimum heavy armour, he was asked if he had had his comment explicitly solicited. No, he replied. The first rumours he had heard about it were on an email list that he belonged to, but it wasn't until the SEM had sent him the new standards that he found out about them.

Right, we said, and got in touch with Meg. Same thing, she replied. If he wants to make them law in Lochac he can rescind them and then solicit comment and impose them if he still thinks they're a good idea. If he doesn't, they don't exist because they have been illegally imposed.

At the same time in Drachenwald, the Barony of Aarnimetsa were fuming. They also have an affiliation agreement with the SCA which has the exact same clause except that it says Marshall of the Barony of Aarnimetsa in the obvious spot. Not only did they not have comment explicitly solicited on this change, they have never had any comment solicited on any change. Like many Finns, they have been stoic about it all, but are not happy.

Unlike Lochac, our Finnish friends did not have a tight relationship between the Crown, Corporations and Kingdom Officers, so they just went with things, because they are tough and pleasant. We stuck by our legal rights to not be affected by an illegally imposed policy change.

That year, 2004, Mistress Margie of Glen More, the then-Lochac KEM went to Pennsic. She spent about three hours and several beers talking with the SEM who was defintely Sir Robert Osborne at that point. She believes they talked at length about the Lochac conventions with arrows and mesh, and also about the need to maintain light armour standards. He is in agreement with her on the first part and semi-formalised the Lochac exemption for arrows and mesh, but disputes the second.

This is why you should a. Never discuss important policy with beer, and b. Never discuss unless you're also recording in minute detail, preferably to an electronic device.

Fast-foward two years. Very late in our most recent reign, June 2006, our new KEM, Sir Gregory of Loch Swan, contacted us, rather upset. He had just been told that the current SEM, Duke Hrothgar, was not only insisting that Lochac impose heavy minimum armour standards, but also banning the category of light (non-contact) combatant from all warfields of the Laurel Kingdoms.

Banning non-contact combatants meant that every person on the field could now be hit. As Duke Hrothgar wrote about the change:
"And if implemented properly, I strongly believe that it will have very little impact on everyone's actual participation. Archers who don't want to be struck may always choose to yield, and any fighters found abusing archers (hitting them after they've yielded, striking them excessively, etc) should be dealt with in the same manner as they would for any other infraction"

While I can see where he might have been going in theory, in practise it's a different story. Sixty per cent of Lochac's fighters are authorised as Lights, 25 per cent of those are exclusively light. This affects hundreds of people in this Kingdom.

And while His Grace may have every faith in fighters accepting yields, I have seen people struck as they came of the warfield dead with their shields held over their heads. I once saw Sir Gregory, co-incidentally, have his rib broken after yelling "GOOD" three or four times. He had been backed up against a star picket and could not fall. His opponent genuinely could not hear him, and so just assumed he could not have been hitting hard enough and ramped up the strength between each call of good. It was sickening, and it was on a tournament field.

While I think very highly of our fighters, I do not think it safe or sensible to rely on them hearing a yield on the warfield. Countess Aeron of the West was nearly mangled when she was backed up against a tree one Pennsic and a heavy fighter laid into her repeatedly until (again!) Sir Gregory came to her rescue. One cannot always fall. And if one is carrying an expensive bow and arrows, one needs to fall really carefully. This is Lochac. We have big stones, big spiders, big snakes and really big bull ants. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be falling on any of those.

Back to the process. Sir Gregory then wrote to the SEM and hoped that he could garner a Lochac exemption to this new rule. If not, he planned to speak with him directly at Pennsic this August past. We spoke with him a few days after he first contacted us when we visited Aneala, and were quietly confident that he would succeed. We asked him if he had had his comment explicitly sought on the matter. He replied that the rule change had been formulated before he stood up as KEM.

Later we spoke with the previous KEM, Margie, she also replied that she had not had her comment explicitly sought on this matter. It had come about well after her discussions with Sir Robert at Pennsic 2004. She had seen it bandied about on the Society Marshall's list, but had believed that the exemptions for Lochac's style of archery that she had gained from Sir Robert would cover this, too.

I should emphasise here that the SCA/SCAA agreement puts the onus of explicitly seeking comment on the SEM. It is not up to the KEM to ask if something might affect us.

I also asked the SKA (Finland) whether they had been contacted. No. Still never heard a word from the SCA Inc. That affiliation effort was apparently a bit of a waste for Meg and me. Good thing I got to know her out it, or there'd be no upside.

We had several people contact us, as Crown, to weigh in on the matter. We wrote one letter to the SEM at that time. In that letter we wrote:

"As you know, this particular change in Society standards was never put forward to our our Earl Marshall for explicit comment as required in the SCA/SCAA agreement of 2001. This invalidates the change in Lochac under our operating agreement.

Had the change been put forward for comment before being implemented, that comment would have been robust and determined in the negative. While this change may have very little impact on participation in the American Kingdoms, it would have a massive impact on the state of play in Lochac."

We also commented on the reasons that he had stated for pursuing this rule change. In the email that our populace members forwarded, Duke Hrothgar wrote: "The goal making this change is twofold, in order to simplify our rules and fighting conventions as well as make them universally consistent." It was also reported by those people that it was seen as improving safety on the field.

We stated that we saw very few fighters from other Kingdoms in Lochac, and that those we did see were often regulars and always able to adapt to our style of play quickly and effectively. Our lights do not travel to other Kingdoms to shoot as they loathe the poxy golf tubes passed off as arrows in the rest of the Known World, and if our heavies don't hit an archer at Pennsic, well, good. They're lovely heavies.

We stated that we believed that having Lochac's archery style maintained did not cause a problem because there is no confusion here. We have one standard of play and everyone manages it. There is little cross-over of our fighters and we do not have inter-Kingdom wars such as Pennsic and Estrella where there could be problems of inter-Kingdom differences.

Moreover, our style of archery has an excellent 20-year-long safety record, and allowing archers to be struck would make our warfields less safe, not more safe.

We finished by saying:

"By seeking to impose 'consistency' here, you would be killing of not just diversity, but a rare experience for SCA fighters from other Kingdoms. We would invite you to attend next year's Rowany Festival and to take the field with our troops before you make any decisions regarding imposing this change on Lochac. If you can honestly say that the experience is not worth preserving, we will be very surprised indeed. We would be happy to host you at the event, should you be able to attend. "

We never heard back from him.

We did hear back from the President of the SCA. He told us that since there was no clause in the agreement about what would happen if Society Officers did not explicitly solicit comment, then under US law it would mean that the contract had been breached and therefore terminated. Said termination would mean that the SCAA would be required to cease using the SCA's intellectual property, including the Kingdom and branch names and heraldry.

Yes, punters, you read that right. If we complain about the agreement not being followed, then not only does the SCA Inc not give a rat's, but we can no longer call ourselves SCA and lose not only all of our titles and membership rights, but items that are actually the intellectual property of Lochac, including our names and heraldry.

I have actually been too furious to respond to this yet. But Patrick, I will get over my fury and you and I will have a long, long talk. Perhaps after I hit the pell a lot more, because I am really really cranky.

At the same time as all this was going on, I heard from our friends in Finland that a SCA Inc Board member had stated on the Grand Council List that members of affiliated organisations could not ever serve on the SCA Inc. I have since seen a copy of the email and that is what was said. Whether she was authorised to say it and whether it is true remains to be seen, see above comment about crankiness with BoD and delayed writing.

It it is true, it means that not only are we at the mercy of any oficer decisions they want to make, we can do smeg-all about it. Ever. While at the moment this just pisses off Australia, New Zealand, Finland and Sweden, it will one day extend to every country in the SCA outside America as legal changes oblige us to make more interanational affiliations.

At the root of the problem is the fact that there is no SCA International. There is only the SCAUS who deal with everyone else as an afterthought (and that includes you, Canada, I'm sorry to say.) Now in one way that's entirely fair and reasonable. They need to make sure that they are legally protecting their American members as much as anyone else. And even if there was an SCAUS and SCA International, the International body would still be a majority US group due to numbers. But it would be made up of people that included other SCA countries and it would be acting with a global view, which would be better as it would be less prone to being hijacked by small interest groups.

Back at the Lights Issue, Sir Gregory has drafted a Kingdom Law that would see our plumed non-contact combatant classes preserved under Kingdom law, which Corpora says can be stronger than Society-level law. It is not certain that this will succeed, since the SEM has said elsewhere that he will allow no exemptions and it can be argued that it is a weakening, not a strengthening of the Society law.

At the same time, Baron Bartholomew Baskin of Southron Gaard began Fiat Lux, a petition seeking the reinstatement of lights, in Lochac at least. The last time I checked it had over 300 signatories and 200 comments, which is quite good in one week.

I have been quite amazed at many of the comments, and the number coming from other Kingdoms. There is a genuine sense of good will towards archers that makes me quite happy, and a lot of interesting Inter-Kingdom Anthropology.

I have also been enjoying many of the photos. For instance, this woman is just gorgeous. She has one of those faces that makes you pause and just appreciate the prettiness. Like crocuses. She's Adriana Michaels, a heavy fighter from Atlantia. I do hope she's not one of the people who consider heavy to be an un-PC term, she looks friendly and reasonable, I'm going to assume that she is comfortable with her clearly quite appropriate Body Mass Index and just accept that Heavy and Light make useful shorthand terms. And she writes very nicely, too.




Then there was this guy, Titus Antonius Archelaus, from An Tir. I feel sure that I must know someone who knows him, because he is ringing one of those bells. You know, the type that end up with one of your friends saying "No, that's Titus! You know, the guitar-playing, red bear-boot-wearing Baron I was always going on about. I can't believe you don't remember!"

Hell, I feel sure I'd want to know him because he's managed to combine SCA bling with Lounge Lizard chic (NB the floral arrangement). The man has style.

Two of the people who I just wanted to hug were Sir Rhys and the Widow Montoya from Caid. their comments were sensible and generous. They were so delightful at Festival, and I really wanted to stomp up to them and pathetically ingratiate myself with the plying of chocolate. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to do that while still being terribly Queenly and decorous. And they ran away the one time I was close enough. They may have actually hated me on sight, I suppose. Probably best that I continue to believe it was a potential friendship missed by my ineptitude.

So far there has only been one snark. Amusingly, because of the way that the site is set up, he's had to sign on as a signatory to the petition to tell everyone he hates the idea. BB is tricksy.

"I see a common set of themes running through this whole thread None of which make a great deal of sense to me. 1) We are Lochac and our tradition are diferant and we don't have to play play by the same rules as every one else. Well then Leaves the SCA you obviously don't want to part of the same game the rest of us play. 2) I don't wanna get hit, But I wanna have the right to hit anyone I choose! I should not have to even comment on the lack of chivalry of that concept. 3) I am to weak, disabled etc to play heavy. Tell That to our local Knight with just 1 leg, Tell that to the Lords who fight from wheel chairs every year at gulf wars. If you Can't be in combat, don't expect to be in combat and treated special. "

I've deleted the guy's name (you can look it up if you want) because he's probably a nice and decent person, but his argument is crap. The whole rationale for removing lights was to fit in with the vocal Kingdoms who do not have them and who do not want to have to fight by other Kingdom's conventions at inter-kingdom wars. We have NO inter-kingdom wars in Lochac. We have a handful of overseas visitors each year who are smart and capable and they manage our rules very well. Our lights do not play in the US, and if our heavies do not hit archers when they play in the US, there is no downside to that.

I don't wanna get hit, But I wanna have the right to hit anyone I choose! I should not have to even comment on the lack of chivalry of that concept

This bit doesn't even make any sense. Archers shoot people not hit them. They are quite happy to be shot by anyone else. They frequently are. How the hell is that non-chivalric?

As to his point three, you know what, I hate that crap. I think it's brilliant when people overcome their disabilities. For example; I have brain damage but I can still construct rational and grammatical arguments. I really do know quite a bit about getting over adversity, aside from brain damage I shattered my right foot, but bashed away at physio until I could walk on it without a stick, which the surgeon who rebuilt it had said I would not manage. And you know what I've learned from overcoming my physical adversities? That it's hard. I'm a tough old bugger and I chose to do it to the level that I did. But I would never judge someone who chooses to take things a bit easier.

Beyond that, I am a tough old bugger. And I bet this guy's one-legged knight is, too. But not everyone is physically tough. Not everyone can be. Some people are simply not as physically robust. Others have already used up their mental reserves. My foot still hurts with every step I take, but it hurts like someone kicking it casually with a trainer on. If it hurt like someone hitting it with a hammer, I'd probably still be bloody-minded enough to walk, but I'm damned if I'd have enough energy left after that to want to fight.

This chap has suffered from a big empathy failure, and I think that is what has propelled this whole issue. I completely accept and understand that there are people out there who hate lights, hate archers, hate being shot, hate mesh, whatever. And there are plenty of options for you to all fight heavy and hit lots and lots of people, even the Archer-mad Kingdom of Lochac has had had many heavy-only scenarios at every war I have attended. But we are bound by our duty as peers, officers or simple SCAdians who believe in justice and other chivalric virtues, to empathise with the people who will be affected by this ruling.

To them it is not a trivial thing in any way. It is the core of their enjoyment to the game, as much as if someone were to say to me that I could only play if I wore brown T-tunics because bad tailors are tired of me making them look bad, or to tell J, Alfar, Berengar and Corney that they were not allowed to fight again because it's boring for other people to die to them all the time.

Quite aside from the fact that this has all been done in a fashion that infringes the very agreement the SCA Inc signed, it's against the spirit of our game. And that offends me deeply.

The SCA is a place for encouraging period practices. It is a place for inclusion. It is a place for families. It is a place for everyone to excel. And if you feel that you need to get rid of a large part of the SCA's war traditions in order for you to excel, then you should also remember the last and most important thing that the SCA is. It is a place where courtesy and humility are still virtues.

A quick note on good and not-so-good events

Things have been a little hectic lately, but Manfred will kill me if I don't post something this weekend, and since he has the stomach lurgy, he possibly could.

I've been very busy at a certain newsmag that begins with B, and, prior to that, a chick mag that begins with NI. I like working with both teams, because they are, as is usual for the subs desk, filled with bright, funny, personable people. But I must say that the B doesn't do my head in, unlike NI. I understand reading chick mags, because sometimes you need to turn your brain off, but after you've subbed three astrology pages in a row, you lose a little faith in humanity – though not in Karen Moregold's ability to stretch a sentence to its utmost length through repetition and merciless abuse of adjectives.

Anyway, work dull for sick Manfred, SCA interesting, so let's talk SCA.

I've been to three events in the last few weeks, two of them were quite good, one was surprisingly flawed.

The first good one was Mistress Gabrielle's feast. For the grand total of $15 (the hall was free due to a previous stuff-up on the part of the hall owners), we were treated to great whopping piles of food including pomegranate chicken, cream meringues and delicious antipasti. It was not all period, in fact only about half and half, but it was the best $15 meal I've ever had.

And it was a fun event. We all sat around and gasbagged. Because the bookings were limited to 50 people, we counted everyone in, then locked the doors. No-one had to sit on the gate, and there weren't stragglers going in and out all night. The Lemmings grabbed the big centre table, so it was like being in Rowany in my early days when the big table was grabbed by either Lemmings or Attica, but never attempts at grabbing by both, since you never saw both at the one feast. And so it was here, only graduated Atticans Gui and AElflaed were holding the flag up. I felt almost young again.

We talked utter rubbish, it must be said, and after the last few months I quite enjoyed myself. There was some discussion on the archery issue (on which more later), but for the most part it was an entertaining and relaxed evening that reminded me of how things can be once you take all the egos out of the evening. It was especially good to see Kate, Cos's sister, who was looking brilliant in a Spyder frock with Mouse accessories. I had to get Topsy to tell me her name, though, because I had three possibilities of who she could be based on the fact that my memory is crap. But I did know that I had liked her when I met her before!

The other good event was this weekend, even though I didn't appreciate it as much as I would have if I had not spent last week going mad from large amounts of work. Katje ran Bunch of Classes and she did an excellent job of it. It was disgustingly hot today, and little better yesterday, but she made sure that all the teachers and students were well apportioned with food and drink, even buying special pig-free sausages for me, which the delightful Mayela, who we will miss more than words when she moves to Bendigo, cooked separately before embarking on the journey of a thousand sangers.

As usual I did not make it to most of the classes that I wanted to, one because it was scheduled against mine and two because I slept in, but I really enjoyed Marie de Lyon's class on period table manners and now want to make a very long napkin that I can wear thrown rakishly over my shoulder. My handsewing class was a bit shambolic with one beginner, two near beginners, a few reasonably experienced and two very good sewers. So next year I will just do advanced and I have ordered all the beginners to practise religiously. I'll try to make up some notes and put them up here, but that will require computer time, which I really only get when J is watching motor racing. This is why I taped six-hours of car today – at least two blogging sessions there ...

Along with BoC, the weekend had the Ursie feast last night, which was a good college feast with simple but tasty food and reasonable amounts thereof, but mostly a good happy spirit about it, with things happening as there was a need. So the singing group bounced up and performed a few pieces to make everyone feel as though it was a proper celebration. Then, because there were quite a lot of young kids, Maeve and the muscians taught the Bear Dance. I was very happy to see the kids who were mostly part of Festival's Midget Army, from the Dragonfly Household, which has a real name that Rhiannon reminded me of when I saw her today, but I have forgotten it, of course. Nice adults and delightful kids, all of whom seem to be genuinely enjoying themselves, which is what I am determined to do, too, even if some people are driving me to distraction.

We ended up going home early because both Marie and J had headaches and Marie had to get home to her house of the Pox-ridden. It was a shame, because there were many people I wanted to talk to more, including Andre who came over to continue his Knight Clubbing Tour of Lochac.

And then this afternoon saw the first round of the Rowany Tournament of Champions, which may or may not be the official name. There were 26 fighters, there would have been 28, but Cornelius and Philipe are soft. So says our Glorious Baron and his Mighty Knights. While they may not have wanted to drive down from the mountains after getting up late, we were up till 3.45am with our neighbours' party and we still made it. Of course, our neighbours now think I am a crazy woman who regularly stomps about with a veil of hair and grotty T-shirt over tatty skirt and tells people they can only dance in thongs or trainers on the wooden floor and turn that music right down, but I don't really care about that. I was going to just nick their fuses, but it seemed mean.

Anyway, the lads who actually showed up included many Mordenvalers, espceially Angus, who it was good to see even if I once again failed to get a copy of his arms so that the torse and mantle I started making for him many years ago will remain unfinished. there was a good batch from Colles Adorum, including Blayney and Blethyn, our favourite pair of field engineers, and Art and Eadie, who simply rock. It was especially good to see both Gudrun and AEflaed there, even if I didn't have enough time to talk to them sensibly.

The lads all acquitted themselves well. Between the 33 degree celcius temps and the gale-force winds (not an exaggeration) it was all a bit dramatic out on the field where they originally planned to fight, so Gui and Alfar intelligently decided they should do it down at the school. This was a great idea as it got everyone out of the worst of the weather, gave some shade, saved the Baronial Pavilion from doom, and allowed everyone at the festival of the frock inside to come and watch at various times.

I took lots of photos, but most of them are of people standing around looking mighty but not doing anything. I hate digital lag.

Here's a nice action shot of Berengar attempting to krull Yves (I think he succeeded), they look cheerfully monochromatic together. Gui was about to kill someone, but alas they were out of shot and I have no idea who they were, because about now the ice-cream truck arrived and we all ran away for choc-dipped Flake cones (several of the marshalls and fighters indulged too, so it was a field of choc-coated SCAdians by the end.) The actual tournament was a Valhalla format, which means that when anyone is killed, all the people who they have killed can re-take the field until they are either too buggered to come back, or else the guy who's still out there has killed everyone else. It's a cruel and unusual style that really tests the fitness as well as the skill of the fighters.

Sadly I have no photos of the finals, so have a look at the nice shot of Baron Hrothgar and Sir Gui while I talk about it briefly. Waltheof and Blayney were the two finalists. Waltheof is an Attican, and Blayney is from Colles Adorum. I really like Waltheof because he is a lovely guy and very courteous, but I admire Blayney a bit more because he does so much stuff other than just fight, from training the masses down south to running large parts of Crossroads for Festival. Waltheof does stuff with his household, but his SCA involvement is mostly just fighting for himself. I think that's okay, and would love to do the same myself. But I am always happy that Blayney is a slightly better fighter than Waltheof, because he spends so much time doing stuff for others, usually for little reward, and so it seems karmically just that the small amount of time he has to put into himself reaps good rewards. And today it won the tournament.

Now that's a good thing in itself, especially against quite good competition (and very gracious competition, I must say. I was genuinely impressed at the supportiveness and good sportsmanship that everyone showed), but there is an even bigger prize at stake. This was the first in a series of tournaments. At the end, everyone who fought in every tournament or who won one round will go into a final round to fight for an ounce of gold donated by the Baron and several of his Knights.

This is extremely cool, and I think that the boys have not only been very generous with their cash, but used their imaginations wittily and wisely. Yay lads!

So now to the event that didn't quite work, Polit Invest. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was wrong until later that night when Rowan talked me through how the event was meant to go. It had lots of good details, like individual servers for the messes, lovely napery, some brilliant desserts and subtleties, but it actually forgot about a lot of the big-picture stuff. So, from a feast logistics side, there wasn't quite enough food and a lot of it was really peculiar, such as what appeared to be steamed chicken, and was just chicken. No sauce, no skin, no vegetable or rice bit to accompany it, just chicken.

I'm told that the kitchen had a numbers increase sprung on them in the last 24 hours, and I must confess that we booked only in the last 7 or so days, which is bad. This probably accounts for it not being traditionally Polit in the stuff yourself senseless stakes. I didn't really mind because there was a pleasant sufficiency of food, and even the plain chicken was well-cooked if unusual (it's the SCA, something has always been done to the chicken, often something the chicken would have been quite startled to think about. No, not like that, Manfred, you sick, sick man.)

The bigger problem was the overall lack of focus of the timetable. The last Baronial Court did go longer than had been expected, but not by so long that it should have bumped all the entertainments. There was actually a long period of time between courts, and a reasonable period after the last court, but apparently several of the musical and theatrical interludes that had been planned did not go ahead because they were not able to be fitted in. I think the problem there was that they just needed someone with a watch saying: "OK, food's gone out, you've got 20 minutes until we yank you off, go!"

One of the things that we have learned is that someone will always grab you food if you have something that you need to do, and that after service is the best time to do something because people are stuffing their faces and won't talk over you.

On the upside, they were very good courts, the K&Q were delightful as always and both the incoming and outgoing B&B were ace. We like all of them a lot. If it hadn't been Polit, it would have been less noticable, because we expect them to do so well at everything. Although a tip if you plan on having specified servers; give them lists of the dishes and their ingredients because ours had no clue of what was in anything, which I think upset him more than any of us, poor lamb.

This is what happens to Baronesses when they are forced to sit on too many High Tables. They steal hats from nice Canadians and then take them on mad adventures around the world. Our lovely Helene toughed it out up the front much longer than Arnfinr and Aine who were sneaky and hid up the back with us as soon as they could. Which I can't fault them for. Arnfinr was the object of much amusement for Sophie and Catherine, Joan and Crispin's gorgeous daughters. Catherine learns quickly and pronounced him silly.

I was able to catch up with Bethany, Fruitbat's oldest, and Eleanor, another of the champion Mouse Guard, too. They are good fun and much less kooky than most of the adults who were at the event. I will have to remember to take some board games next time I go down so that we can have some quiet amusements during court.

Hunnydd was looking lovely, and Fitzy was not looking half as gorgeous as Miss Krin, but she wasn't about, so he'll have to do in this photo. They are pulling the facial expressions that are the appropriate responses to the previous photo.

All in all, I had a good time, especially because we were able to spend a little time with Rowan and Nico, who we like a great deal, but it was a strangely unfocussed event that left me wanting it to have fewer good details and more overall direction. That said, the good details were excellent and I can see why the stewarding team spent so much time and effort on them. It's a hard one, and given that I have run only a handful of events I really shouldn't complain but should instead say thank you very much for your efforts. I really did enjoy myself! Oh! I forgot to mention, Gabrielle and her wonderful girlfreind whose name I can never remember were there, which was very cool because I like spending time with them, and they had painted the most amazing map banner that had little archers and mad bands of kids lurching about in the scenery. Really spiffing, I hope they trot it out regularly.

Must dash off and send out invoices now in vain hopes of being paid. Normal service will resume shortly.

Reasons not to sleep with Knights, Part II

These things are easier to handle in 25-bad-joke lots.

And a pleasant distraction from yet more articles on the tragic and untimely death of Steve Irwin (two magazines, all Irwin, all the time. Except for the Brock bits. I'm just relieved that Kylie's feeling much better. In The Bulletin subs desk Aussie Icons Killed By Things They Love Dead Pool, I was going for John Howard killed by a six off an Australian bat, my good friend G is going for Shane Warne killed by a blonde.)

Anyway, you lot be appalled by this while I go off and console J for the fact that Schumi is retiring at the end of this season and wonder what crack the people who think that "lights have no place on the field of Chivalry" are on. (Alleged direct quote, according to J. No-one from our lovely Kingdom, fellow Lochacians.)

26. They swear to come and to go. Nothing about snuggling …
27. They spend their weekends on the tournament circuit.
28. They spend their disposable income on the tournament circuit.
29. They swear there’s no homo-erotic subtext to it all, then go off and ‘polish their armour’ with other men.
30. If you’re very unlucky, some of them occasionally strip off, oil up, and start wrestling. But really, there’s nothing gay about this.
31. Some of them insist on taking their squires in public.
32. Their squires follow them around asking for tips on all aspects of fighting.
33. Their squires start to follow you around asking for tips on all aspects of hygiene.
34. His fellow knights ask if you know any nice girls.
35. You break up and discover that his fellow knights think you’re a nice girl.
36. This happens more than once and you realise that you’re a cliché.
37. Things go well, you start a family, he wants to call the kid Galahad.
38. And you can’t fit the baby capsule and his pole arms in the car at once.
39. So you and Galahad stay at home.
40. Galahad’s a girl.
41. Why sleep with a Knight when a Laurel will make you nice things?
42. Or a Pelican will work very hard for you?
43. And those squires are very good at taking instruction …
44. To you it’s middle-age-spread, to him it’s a Ducal Profile.
45. In the throes of passion he cuts you out of your lacing. The next morning he’s cannibalised the laces to use for armour repairs and you have to hold your frock together with duct tape.
46. To him, two minutes is a long bout.
47. His sense of timing goes like this: one, two, three, reset. One-two, three-four, reset …
48. He thinks a small target area is your upper arm.
49. Don’t even ask about slot shots.
50. There’s a race memory lurking within him, if there’s someone on their knees in front of him, there should be a buffet …

Reasons not to Sleep with Knights Part 1.

I've gone from having loads of time to having no time again, for which I blame work and people who do not read what they write. Things will look up again in the near future, but for now, it's time for some emergency filler before everyone writes me off as utterly hopeless. AND I can also get Maeve the first part of her new FTN copy this way! Because goodness knows where I've hidden the scan she wants. I'll dig out the orginal and make another one. Yes, I am crap.

So, reasons not to sleep with knights. Many, many, many years ago (nearly 11) I was at a party at Helen's house. I had recently started seeing the divine Mr J, who was in those days a lowly Squire. Actually, he may not have been quite squired yet. Anyway, he was a pretty rubbish fighter. All those people who looked at the photo of my early garb and said "Yay! She used to be crap, too!" would have said the same about J's fighting in the first year we were seeing each other.

His best mate in those days was Sir Ragnar Magnusson. Ragnar is a lovely bloke, though he's hell to keep in contact with unless you live in Newcastle. He was knighted at my second event, and for long and complicated reasons I ended up being on the door taking money for about an hour at that event (would you trust me with your cash? I mean, you can, but I was startled, too, they barely knew me.) Because I had no idea who anyone was, things took a little while and so I was relying on a combination of good looks and charm to keep people at their ease.
Ragnar handed over his membership card, he was dressed in red velvets as befitted the Yule theme. "What a great name!" I enthused, with enough tits and teeth to keep the whole Mordenvale contingent from getting cross with my ineptitude. Years later he reminded me of this, which sets the tone for the story that comes next.

At Helen's party, Ragnar and Sir Daemon of Deorc (venerable Lochacian legend, a little like a bunyip) were engaged in their famous evil old men act. Being a little older than Ragnar, I have always been immune to this act. Tina, the delightful but slightly crazy young woman who I had a complicated relationship with at the time, was astonished that I was seeing J. "You could have a knight! You could have a Duke!" she protested to me. I would normally have explained that I choose partners based solely on prettiness and amusingness (and there we have the secret of my sterling success with J and staggering lunacy with most other people), not on SCA rank, but she had said this in front of Ragnar and Daemon. And they were off.

"Yes, yes, yes," I waved a hand airily at their assertions of knightly prowess. "But I can give you 75 reasons not to sleep with Knights."

"Go on," they replied.

In the end, the list grew to 117 and did not even include the names of all the Knights I knew because I wasn't that mean (and one or two were vaguely fanciable). I found it recently and while some reasons were still funny, they weren't as funny as I would have wanted them to be. So let's start again. I reckon I can at least make the original 75 before I run out of good material. Suggestions, comments and cries of denial all welcome.

1. They have some very strange beliefs about counter-rotation.
2. Belts, chains, spurs: is this really your scene? (yes, I am keeping a few of the good ones from the original list for the three of you who read those)
3. They'll never love you as much as their lucky gambeson.
4. If they win a tournament, they're too tired for victory sex. If they lose, they're too bruised for pity sex.
5. When you're done, they call up 12 of their mates and dissect your technique.
6. They ask if it's okay to video things, "for their 'squires' ".
7. They stop you part way through and give you a quick tutorial on hip flicks.
8. After you've known them for a little while, they start leaving pieces of armour around the bedroom and invite inquiries.
9. They leave their chains on during.
10. They leave their spurs on during.
11. He wants you to call him "Sir".
12. He cries out, "Who's your feudal overlord?"
13. The expected answer is "You are, and you are mighty!"
14. At camping events, he sleeps with his gambeson in the tent.
15. At camping events, he sleeps with his gambeson as the pilllow.
16. When you first meet him, he begins his suit with "Hi babe, how'd you like to be Queen?"
17. Many years later when you are onto your 32nd hour of reign paperwork in the one week, he declares, "But that's why you were attracted to me in the first place!" before pissing off to fighter practice.
18. He's a traditional knight, there's a long list of conquests who have gone before.
19. He's a traditional Westie Knight, there's a long list of Queens who have gone before.
20. He's a traditional Lochac knight, there's a wife or long-time girlfriend who'll rip your bloody arms off.
21. Despite having developed something of a Ducal Profile, in his head he's still the same lithe squire he was 10 years ago. Sadly, he still dresses as if this was real.
22. They woo you on the Thursday of Rowany Festival with charm and wit, on Friday they expect you to watch them on the field, on Saturday they expect you to rub in the bruise cream, by Sunday they expect you to carry their armour and by Monday they're too tired, drunk and dehydrated to be any use whatsoever.
23. They learn from head blows.
24. By this stage, they've learned a lot. Unfortunately this means they will never recall your birthday.
25. They practise shots in their sleep (true!)

Universe 1; Crocodile Hunter 0

Stever Irwin, better known as the Crocodile Hunter, has died this morning from injuries subsequent to being stung by a sting ray.

That never happens.

Despite the fact that we tell everyone in the rest of the world that everything in Australia will kill you, most things won't. Sure, they'll make you wish you were dead while you recover in a casualty ward somewhere, but pretty much every single person who has every been stung by a stingray has hoppped around saying "ARRGH!! MY FOOT!" (they're usually trodden on), had some first aid, then had a scar and story to take home from their tropical holiday.

But not the guy who spends his time annoying crocodiles. Those same crocodiles that actually DO eat unwary tourists fairly often (when you see a 'don't swim here' sign in Australia, we're not pissing in the wind.) Nope, he gets a sting through the chest and carks it, legs in the air, bucket well and truly kicked, an ex-parrot.

Don't mistake me, I feel very sorry for his young family and think that it's an awful thing to have happen. But at the same time, I have a sneaking suspicion that the crocodiles must have paid off the stingrays: "Guys, it'll look too suspicious if we do it. And, after the huge amount of lobbying he's done to keep us protected despite booming numbers and increased tourist eating, it'd be ungrateful. But someone has to stop him ..."

News items rarely surprise me these days, this one did. I look forward to the eulogising from the same media who poured scorn over him when he held his youngest child near a crocodile's mouth. The kid was perfectly safe, he didn't look a thing like a German backpacker